Not just today, I have actually been sober for 5 days in a row. I am feeling good, but that feeling isn’t coming from a number, it is coming from inside me. It is such an incredible change!
A week ago I knew things were not going well, but as much as I could tell myself that drinking wasn’t doing me any favors, I still kept popping open that bottle. Night after night. And the opening came earlier and earlier. Soon I was finishing 1 1/2 -2 bottles a night. I was waking up, not remembering going to bed or what I had done prior to going to bed. Mystery Facebook posts I would see in the morning, in all their embarrassing drunk-typed glory, would clue me in. I was getting behind at home and work and school. I was in danger of being kicked out of my master’s program. If that happened I would lose my job. I had lost out on enough in my life. I wasn’t going to lose this too. So the last half-bottle of a really nice wine was poured down the sink and I faced the daunting specter of sobriety once again.
Now I know I have said I am not looking for the “never ever will I drink another drop” sobriety. The never again is where I trip up. I have a deep rebellious streak that makes me challenge all the “never”. Perhaps it is where I will end up. But for now, I am just taking it a day at a time. Today is all I am worrying about. Just today. Not yesterday and not tomorrow. And today is a good day. Today I am sober. Again.